Utility Monster and JeffGodGamer’s Week 5 Helios Power Rankings
9/23/2021
Click for last week’s Power Rankings
“It’s Thursday, which means it’s time for more Helios power rankings with Utility Monster and JeffGodGamer! Jeff got hit by a car recently, so this one is going to be more of a solo effort from yours truly. We all wish him a speedy recovery, and hope for more content from him in future weeks. He’s mostly fine, just a fractured collarbone and some bad scrapes, so he should make a full recovery relatively quickly. (The brain damage was sustained well before the accident.)
We’ve reached the point of the season where power rankings are pretty consistent week to week, as the teams have played enough League of Legends for me to get a good handle on their skill levels and capabilities. There’s still enough close competition for teams to have a chance to move up and down, but gone are the days of teams moving more than a couple spots in either direction after just one week of games. Hopefully the literary merit of these rankings makes up for the lack of dramatic surprises.
Support rankings are your bonus content for the week, and I’ve included car comparisons for every single one. I was inspired by the 2007 Ford Fusion that ran a red light in order to hit Jeff in a crosswalk. Read on to find out who is the cool sedan and who isn’t. I hope you enjoy these cars more than Jeff did.”
- Utility Monster
8th - GURL [-1]
GURL has two wins in the official standings, but both came as a result of forfeits - GURL’s actual gameplay simply hasn’t looked up to snuff. We’ve seen in the sister Luna league that sometimes all it takes is one good early game, as SKL had against SER, to get the W. Unfortunately, while GURL’s laning hasn’t been exceptional, their issues have been more with teamplay transitioning into the midgame, and that’s a harder problem to solve. With four games left I wish GURL the best, but I’m not optimistic about their chances.
Support rank: 7th. Blak Venum is unfortunately half of the worst performing bot lane in the league, probably because he’s too busy living a fulfilling life to practice. The 2010 Kia Soul of support players, because he certainly isn’t the Kia Fingers.
7th - STC [+1]
It was nice to see Satanic Temple Congregants Seal Team Chris pick up their first win of the season, and new mid laner IMSOLOING played a key role in making it happen. Playoffs are still a long shot, but this week’s game against PTP will be critical. If STC win and CFG doesn’t, it sets up next week’s head to head to be a must watch, as a STC win would force a tiebreaker for the 6th seed and the final playoffs spot.
Support rank: 6th. Songo is back to being a solid, but unexciting, support after briefly trying to be a mid laner. He eventually came to terms with his own lack of mechanical ability and just took Lightning Soul’s job instead. I’d say I expected better of him, but I dislike lying. He’s a 2021 Ford Bronco, trying to make a comeback and make us forget about O.J. Simpson.
6th - CFG [+/-]
CFG has had some unfortunate internal disagreements, resulting in 4/5 members leaving and being replaced by relative unknowns. They’ll keep the 6th place spot based on their previous performance, but CFG should mostly be evaluated as a brand new team going forward.
Support rank: N/A. I don’t want to rank players with no data, so I won’t. What are they going to do, fire me? This is the now-discontinued Ford Pinto of support rankings. Or maybe the now-discontinued Edsel Citation. Man, Ford’s cars suck.
5th - PTP [+/-]
PTP is the Dalton Line of Helios; it’s unclear if they’re the worst good team or the best bad one. I’m inclined to believe the former, but that’s not going to cut it come playoffs. I’m hoping PTP really revs it into high gear over their last four games and finds some success that can carry into the postseason. They’re on to STC.
Support rank: 4th. CyborgSkull has been a bright spot in an otherwise merely whelming season for PTP, and I’ve heard he also plays a key role in the team’s shotcalling and morale boosting too. He stands out like a 2020 Mercedes-Benz CLA, probably in yellow.
4th - RLS [+/-]
RLS is solid individually, and they seem to play well as a team as well, but they’re missing that “it” factor to truly contend with the top of the league. They’re good at everything, but they don’t have a core playstyle to leverage as their key advantage against other good teams. They were comfortably beaten by REX last week, and it is hard to pinpoint exactly where they went wrong. Their mental stability and fortitude to stay competitive despite the gold deficit was impressive, and that’s the type of intangible that translates exceptionally well to longer playoff series, but fundamentally I don’t believe RLS has what it takes to break into the top three.
Support rank: 5th. It’s easy to imagine this ranking being low for demon girl, and frankly it says more about the stacked nature of this role in the Helios league than it does about her individual skill. As an often-overlooked but always solid player, demon girl is the 2004 Subaru Forester. At least she’s got her priorities straight.
3rd - REX [-2]
REX dropped just their second game of the season, but competition at the top is so tight it was enough to drop them two spots in the rankings. I can’t justify putting them above INT given INT’s win over them, and then TG just beat INT, so my hands were tied. Still, 3rd does feel a bit wrong for this team given how well they’ve performed over the course of the season, and next week’s game against TG will be a chance for REX redemption. With a pretty easy schedule after that, REX seems destined for at least a tiebreak to secure a first round bye, and that’s never a bad place to be.
Support rank: 2nd. The overall impact of y u no doctor hasn’t always been obvious, but he never seems to make mistakes, and his solid laning and strong teamfighting has been a big part of REX’s success so far. His ability to impact the game and save his teammates makes him the Braun Liberty of supports.
2nd - INT [+/-]
INT was this close to being top of the league before throwing a substantial lead against TG on Thursday. Some poor teamfights, builds, and overall decision making combined to allow TG back into the game. Still, they were at least able to achieve the gold lead in the first place, and a nice comeback win over REX was enough to keep them in the top two. INT needs to win out to guarantee at least a tiebreak for a first round bye, but it seems relatively likely.
Support rank: 3rd. JEFFuz has been fantastic as a midseason replacement for He Who Slopps, allowing INT to continue their winning ways. It’s like the 2017 Honda Civic your insurance company provides you as a loaner car when your regular one is damaged, and at first you’re sad you have to switch cars, but then the new car grows on you, and when you finally get the news your OG car is too beaten up to be worth repairing you aren’t that upset about the need to switch to the Civic permanently. It’s also got great fuel economy.
1st - TG [+2]
I said last week that TG might prove their 3rd place ranking low, and they did, going 2-0 and beating INT in the process. I was mistaken in the last edition of power rankings when I said they played both INT and REX in the same week, though - they actually play REX this next Thursday, in a match that has a lot of implications for playoff seeding. The winner will control their own destiny for a first round bye, while the loser risks a tiebreak with INT, which no one wants to do if they can avoid it. TG did get pretty far behind in the early game against INT, and if it happens again against REX I don’t think they’ll be able to get lucky twice. Make sure to tune in, this game is going to be must watch TV!
Support rank: 1st. Antoons has established himself as the best support in the league in his limited appearances, being a key part of why TG’s looked so good during their winning run. He’s not even a true car, he’s a Siemens S700 train car, and everyone else should just get on the train or get out of the way. It’s better for the environment if fewer people drive and allows for more beneficial urban density.
